Jumping Bean

Willamette Falls, Portland, Oregon
I think Scott was a bit disappointed on this site seeing trip. 
He thought the falls would be more impressive at Willamette.
When we were in and near Portland, he drove for hours so I could see almost 
a dozen falls. The parks were so crowded at most of them, we just drove by, so
I didn\’t get photos, but I did see them.

I feel like I am a jumping bean. I don\’t know how you guys are keeping up with me. My emotions are in a blender, mixed up and all over the place some of the time until I reach a peaceful state of calm where I feel I can do this. I can do this grieving thing, which sometimes is \”suspend belief\” that maybe Scott is not really gone. 
This is all normal, part of the grieving process. It\’s the grey I need to be concerned about. If I was numb, not feeling anything, not seeing colors, and not moving through the process, it is time to get professional help/maybe even medical help.  I\’m not there. I am feeling, I am processing, I am a jumping bean of emotions and wants. Want to start a new life, traveling, and writing. Can\’t start a new life, too soon, can\’t skip grieving steps, painful losing Scott, and COVID is keeping almost every door shut right now.
I do have a great support system. I have family, friends, a support group, a therapist on standby, my writing, my blog, my readers, my books, nature, and a strong will to see myself through this to the light and mystery of my love for Scott and losing him.
I do want my life and my grief to be meaningful. I want to help people and animals.  I want to have a purpose in this life. 
So jumping bean it is. I am going to continue jumping around emotionally, physically, spiritually and mentally. How can I not. It feels like half my body, half my spirit, and half my soul has been torn from me. Of course, I would want to jump away from pain and the process. Runaway from it all.
But I can\’t. I have to be here, now, and go through it. It\’s part of the transformation, the integration, the way to transcendence. 


Published by As the Road Wanders

Travel Blogger and Traveler

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: