My Future Self

Snowy Egret
Coastal Bird Walk
Bodega Bay, California
This morning I stirred in my sleep, smiling. I held the answers to universal questions. Answers, I have wanted to know my whole life and I was so ready to share them with you. Excited. I opened my eyes and the answers disappeared in the morning light. I am human once again. 
My disappointment did not last long. I remembered the answer I need to live by. It is. I am living the journey not the answer.
Yesterday, I was going down for the count. The grief of losing Scott was hitting me. It was relentless. I am learning and have learned in my life that I need to live in the now and by living in the now, and taking care of myself in the now, I am taking care of my future self. 
I got up. I got dressed. I put all of the technological devices away. I made myself a picnic lunch, a simple sandwich, an orange, a drink, and some healthy puff like bag of apple cinnamon crisps that tasted like autumn candles in a country kitchen shop. I didn\’t know that until I opened the bag and tasted one. I couldn\’t help myself. I finished off half the bag during my picnic, the flavor was so strange and awful.
I drove out to the ocean. At Bodega Bay, I made the turn to the Coastal Bird Walk, a protected area of salt marshlands with coastal views and incredible bird and wildlife watching. I was late getting there, so most of the birds and animals were tucked in for the afternoon.
I walked the one mile loop taking photos. Half-way through the park, I found a bench with a view of the marshlands and the beach. I sat down, and listened to the waves in the distance. Tears rolled down my face, the grief made itself known. Luckily, the park emptied out of everyone, which was just two couples and a ranger, so I had the whole park to myself. I didn\’t have to hide my crying. While, the song sparrows sang, I cried until I was at peace, a solemn peace. I watched an Egret fish. I watched a flock of ducks digging for lunch in the marsh grasses. I listened to the birds. I listened to the sea.
By the time, I finished the loop in the park, I was excited to find another trail that takes you over a bridge across a waterway further into the marshlands with expansive views of the coastline. I have a future hiking date with myself to explore this area.
In the parking lot, I ate my picnic lunch alone. 
Mourning is important. It is an important part of the human experience. When we lose something important in our life. A home. A job. A partner. A family member. A friend. A cherished animal. We are not only missing and grieving our loss. We are missing and grieving the person we were before the loss.
When I lost my farm, I was no longer a person who had a farm. My life was upended. I returned to becoming a roommate. I became a suburban house dweller.
When I lost my pet sit business. I was no longer a business owner. I was an employee.
When I lost all of my horses, when they passed away. I was no longer a horse owner. 
When I lost Scott. I am no longer part of a couple. I am alone even though, I feel most of the time connected to Scott. He is not here doing Earth things. I am. I am alone making the decisions, shopping, traveling, hiking, driving, cooking, paying the bills, dreaming, making plans, organizing the house, eating my meals, alone. 
So not only am I mourning and grieving the loss of my partner, I am mourning and grieving the loss of the life I had and the person I was with Scott.
My job, today, is to do everything I can to help my future self. That means, I choose as much as possible healthy choices. It starts with making my bed in the morning, doing my meditations, reading, going for a hike, exploring part-time job opportunities so I can be around and work with new people and have new experiences, it means taking care of myself. I am the one, that needs to survive and thrive here. 
Yesterday, it was painful. It wasn\’t fun to be by myself again, hiking the bird sanctuary. I made myself get up and go. Because I know my future self is appreciating the steps I am taking each moment to make sure she is living the good life tomorrow. 

You can find a List of Resource Links on the Right Hand Side of the Blog that have helped me on the Journey from Loss to Love


 

Published by As the Road Wanders

Travel Blogger and Traveler

3 thoughts on “My Future Self

  1. I have kept up with your blog(s) since Jon introduced you some years ago. Your life and adventures have been interesting and informative. I also have loved all your west coast pictures since I grew up there and lived from Bellingham to San Diego. It's always a touch of home because I've been on the east coast for 30 years. All this to say I wish you the most love. Becky

    Like

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