My half day trip to the City yesterday taught me a lot about myself. I have changed. I am not the person I was forty years ago when I lived in the City. I am not the person I was before I met Scott. I am not the person I was yesterday.
I am no longer a City mouse. I have no desire to live or spend too much time in the City anymore. San Francisco\’s soul, the City, I knew, has taken flight and I don\’t believe it will ever return. I am a seventies child living- walking the streets of a city I don\’t understand or belong to anymore.
I passed by a gentleman and his dog, stopping him to admire his puppy and to ask if this was an oodle mix, a designer dog, a mix of Bernese Mountain and Poodle. He confirmed the pup was such a dog. The cute parti-colored tuff of fur stretched as far as he could to reach me, the owner chose not to extend the leash for my touch, so I just smiled at the ball of light and love and continued my walk through the neighborhood.
If you have $5000, you can have one of these adorable puppies to parade around the Bay Area if you are so inclined. That was the going price last time I checked, a week or so ago. Who knew, when I was working at the Marin Humane Society in the late 90\’s that mixes would fetch such a price. Back then, for shame if you bred dogs, let alone a mixed breed. You can\’t walk the streets of San Francisco, the boutiques of Napa Valley or sit sipping red wine at a vineyard in the Sonoma Valley without bumping into oodles of dogs whose price exceeds most humble savings accounts.
$5000 Oodle mix Puppy
Bernese Mountain Dog/Standard Poodle
Portola District, San Francisco
I don\’t disparage anyone for wanting such a dog. If I had the money, I would be tempted to shamelessly buy one myself, probably the Golden Doodle or Labradoodle would fit my fancy. Let myself not forget, I spent $20,000 on a horse during my big times that I thought would carry me to a dressage championship until Reanna, my well bred mare let me know that she had no desire to fulfill my fantasy. She turned into what my disgusted trainer called a \”lawn ornament\” when I bought a farm to release her from her misery and imprisonment stabled at a fancy barn. I loaded her into a rented trailer, both of us escaping the stuffy dressage clique, soon finding our way to a soul partnership based in friendship foregoing a business relationship proving our worth as horse and rider. Reanna taught me what was real in a horse and human bond. It had nothing to do with riding, ribbons, or prizes adorning a mantel.
Back to San Francisco, what a teacher you are to me still.
I have learned I no longer want to chase after dreams or people that no longer work with my values or path in life. I am not here to fix or heal people who have not asked me to interfere with their choices.
“If you meet someone whose soul is not aligned with yours, send them love and move along.”
I don\’t quite know what my purpose is. I do know it evolves and changes. I do know my purpose is based and created from love. I do know my path begins, continues and stands at the crossroads of Love. It is my choice to choose Love as my path.
I do know that my desire to explore places from my past, and new places I have never been before fills my soul and feeds my spirit whether I align with those experiences or not. I am here to experience life to its fullest and that means I will feel a full range of emotions, some wonderful, some painful, some enlightening, and some discouraging.
I am most alive when I allow myself to expand and learn.
Friday, I participate in my first dream workshop. I hope I will have something to write and share with you.
This morning, my day started with tears and sadness, my missing Scott, who was and still remains my rock, my best friend who helps ground and steady me.
I know the truth is I am never alone. None of us are, even though it feels that way sometimes.
“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”
Leaving San Francisco