So Beautiful and Tropical
My biggest challenge is to make friends with grief. To not fight or runaway from grief. There is no escape. Pushing grief down, soldiering on, pretending it\’s not affecting me or my decision making is fool hardy.
Grief is a constant companion taking hold of the steering wheel at times.
Grief is one if not my greatest life lesson.
Sometimes grief brings a friend. Guilt. Guilt is a tough friend. Guilt can rob me of my hope, my excitement, my intuition, my happiness and joy for living. Guilt is at the ready to sneak up on me, especially when I am doing something I used to enjoy with Scott or by myself.
This morning, guilt got me while I was watching a travel video of Uruguay. I was enjoying the film, the footage of old town squares, sumptuous meals, and glasses full of red wine. Then. The sobs came. I cried and felt guilty that Scott is not here to travel, traveling is what he talked about all of the time. Travel and music. Scott wanted to travel all over the world, full-time, working along the way when necessary. I don\’t have many regrets about our life together. The one regret I do have is that Scott is not with me traveling and he didn\’t get to go to many of the places he dreamed about. This will haunt me for the rest of my life here.
I will have to live with that.
So, now what. What do I do with grief and the tag along guilt.
I keep living. I don\’t let grief and guilt stop me. Signs and symbols help. My dream work helps. My knowing of our immortal life helps. Our essence, who we are never ends. Just because our physical life here stops. It doesn\’t mean its too late. We take ourselves with us where ever we go. Life continues. You can believe or not. I choose to believe.
Signs and symbols. Synchronicity guides and helps me on my path. When Scott and I met, we had a number code. The code is 222. Whenever, this sequence appeared, we knew it was our number, a reminder of our union, a confirmation that we were meant to be together.
When I was in my deepest despair after Scott\’s death, the sequence 222 would appear reminding me that we were connected, even though Scott isn\’t physically here.
Walking to Coyote, the restaurant recommended by my hotel, I got lost. I walked up and down blocks using my google map. I backtracked, turned around, heading in several different directions, finally finding my destination. When I arrived, the hostess guided me to an outdoor table overlooking the busy sidewalk. I sat down, setting my cellphone on the table, glancing at the digital clock, I noted the time 12:22 p.m. and smiled.
When the waiter appeared, I asked him to bring a beer for Scott (probably not the one he would choose, I don\’t know about beer) and my early dinner. Grief and guilt vanished. I felt Scott with me, wanting me to enjoy my food, drink his beer, and know that I am on the right path.