Spanish Inspired Salad with oranges and olives
San Diego, California
Reaching out to people we do not know, to take a chance at friendship can be scary and at the very least maybe a bit awkward. I\’m glad one of my blog readers sent me an email inviting me to lunch, taking that risk. Yesterday, I had a lovely lunch with her. We shared stories, our writing, and life experiences over beautiful food in a charming Latin Restaurant.
Meeting with her at lunch yesterday reminded me how much I miss a circle of friends, a community.
When I met Scott, I had few friends, most working in the pet sit business. We got together once in a while for coffee or lunch to share our stories. Those friends fell away once I met Scott and quit the business.
When Scott and I were together, I reached out to my friends to do social things with us, not me, now that I was in a couple. That didn\’t go over well, my friends weren\’t interested in me, as a couple. Only me. This reminded me of the times I was single and shunned by couples!
It wasn\’t just my friends. It was me too. I neglected my friendships in the past preferring being alone most of the time with my animals, solo outings, and books. When I met Scott, I only wanted to be with Scott, so I became more isolated. Scott continued to pursue friendships and invest in the ones he had. I found job friends, putting my energy into friendships that were conveniently located at my workplace and spending the rest of the time protecting my alone time when Scott was away. The rest of the time I spent with Scott which was most of the time.
Now, I am really alone. No Scott. No Pets. No close friends. No job. I do have friends, we write back and forth, but I rarely see them.
I don\’t know how I feel about this. I enjoy being with people, going to lunch, writing to each other, and sharing experiences, but I don\’t know if I am the type of friend that can go really deep and consistently maintain a friendship over time if it requires more of me than I can give.
Most of my life, I have had one male friend that I have invested my time with whether it\’s been romantic or not. I like men, and hanging with them. The rest of the time, I prefer my own company, focusing on my work, having pets or now being in nature.
I do like going to lunch, a walk, sharing experiences and conversation with people, keeping in touch, but beyond that, I don\’t know. I have to think about it more. I have to see what life brings.
I never feel lonely in my life. I do miss people. Especially Scott.
Switching topics, or maybe not. I talked to Hawaii a couple of days ago. After thinking about it, I sent a letter letting them know it wasn\’t a good fit for me. It was a farm sanctuary. I have mixed feelings about farm sanctuaries. Many of them I\’ve helped in the past are always struggling with too many animals, not enough volunteers and money, special needs animals that need constant care and attention. I honor their work, but I realize this kind of work is not for me anymore, at least for now.
I am wanting something different.
So, here we are. At a crossroads, with so many things out there and not here yet.
In the next few days, I will be headed back to my hometown to get my COVID vaccine. I will need to stay there for a month or so if I get the series instead of the one shot. Mixed feelings again! I wanted to stay on the road and now I am going to have to head back.
I have to go with what life gives me and understand it\’s all part of the bigger picture, whatever that is!